Welcome to my first blog! I created this blog for the people who feel alone in the world. To be honest, I feel like the king of the loners. I don’t have true friends at all. I have surface friends but I never have that kind of friend who I can always turn to whenever I wanted to have a serious talk or needed an honest conversation.
Over the years, I realized that it’s not people’s fault that I don't have this kind of friendship. It's my own fault. I might have a true friend if I had only open up to people. But I have built walls around me that wouldn’t let people in my space. Perhaps one of my surface friends could be the true friend that I’m looking for but I never really gave them the chance to be that kind of friend to me.
In short, I never have a true friend because I was never even true to the people around me. For some reason, I believe that the people around me are all the same. I’d watch them and thought to myself “I’m not like that”. They socialize like their familiar with other people while I’d stand in the corner wanting to join but wouldn’t know how to step in.
I feel different from other people. And this is the biggest struggle that I have about myself up to this day. I feel different about myself and I’m not exactly sure why. All I know is that there’s an unflinching voice inside me that tells me that I’m not supposed to be like the people around me. But deep inside, I wanted to be like them. I wanted to join them and have fun with them.
It scares me to think that if I reveal my true self to other people, they wouldn't like me because I’m like a citizen of another world. So from the start, I’ve been hiding the real me and never let anyone see through me. Not realizing that despite my best efforts to conceal my peculiarity, it still somehow showed because I was avoiding people like something is wrong. They were confused and I was confused. We're all confused.
I didn't see that level of strange coming. If you are someone who also feels like an outcast, you would know the emotional weight that forms within you which often feels unbearable. It’s feels like you’re drowning and wanted to shout for help but you couldn’t because nobody would get it. I, for so long, felt as if I always had to fight my way through everyday. Wherever I go, I felt like an alien.
I couldn't really pinpoint where this being different stems from. For a long time, I’ve asked myself a thousand times ”why do I feel like this?”. I did not know, I just couldn't think of an answer. I’ve asked God a number of times. No response. While I was going crazy because I had no idea what to do, God was silent. Until recently.
I didn't get an exact response but I felt an impression on the inside. Maybe I’m not suppose to stop being different. Maybe I’m supposed to stay different and be okay with it. Instead of questioning why I feel so different from the people around me, I thought why don't I just let go and let it be. Instead of feeling so wrong about me, why don't I try to take the pressure off myself and just let me be. Cause I can tell you right now that in the 30 years, all those questionings didn't even inched me forward.
I never get to share these thoughts with anybody because nobody really know me. My surface friends know a version of me that I’ve practiced all my life and it somehow become ingrained in my subconscious. So I know that it would be extremely difficult for me to drift from that version of me. Nonetheless, I have decided to begin learning how to be okay with being me and open up little by little so I started this blog.
This is me trying to let my thoughts live on from my head into the world. Thoughts that the world doesn’t recognize because nobody wants to talk about being alone. I just want to have an outlet for my truth. The world refuses to engage in conversations about loneliness. Everybody just wants to be happy. I wish I can just say that I am happy then I will be happy. But the truth is I am not happy. I want relationships but people find it hard to relate to me because I’m uncommon.
If nobody around me resonates with me, I thought maybe in the online world two or more people would understand the sound of my voice. I have lived alone all my life and I’m tired of pretending that I’m okay. I’m not okay. I just want to know that I’m not alone in this. That there’s someone out there who also feels the same way. Together, we can make a change.
If this blog speaks to your heart, I would like to invite you to join me in my quest to letting the world know that people like us exist. That we also have a voice that deserves to be heard. That it’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to not be normal. We don’t have to hide anymore. I have a dream. A dream to see a world where people are allowed to speak their truth and not be judged for telling it
