The Face Of Disconnection

 It’s always a battle for me every time I go to work because I feel like I have to interact with other people. It’s not that I don’t want to engage with them, it’s just that I feel insecure around them because I don’t really know what they think of me. This led me to want to avoid people because I feel unsafe having them around. The problem is I could only avoid people for so long. 

I am a part of the world, citizen of a country and member of a society. Wherever I go, there will always be people around me. I can avoid being around people as long as I’m always at home. However, I need to feed myself so I need to make a living. I had to go to school and now I have to keep working. Going to work always feels heavy for me because I don’t really have a friend at work. Nobody really knows me.

Since I got transferred to a new team, I thought maybe it’s time to change how I deal with people. I could never go to work and not be around people anyway so why not try to interact with them instead of avoiding them. They haven’t really seen me before so I thought I could put up a different persona that would look cool and they would think that I engage well with people.

Our company has arranged shuttle services for us due to the pandemic, so we don’t have to commute to work. We just need to go to the nearest pick up location where we have to wait to be picked up by the shuttle.

I was walking to the waiting area one time, when I saw from a distance two of my new teammates talking to each other. Although I wanted to be friendly and engage with them like I thought I’d do, I wasn’t exactly sure of what to do or what to say to them. I saw one of them looking at me as I walked up to them. That look in his face. I always get that look. I don’t know what that look means but I could feel disconnection from that face. 

Perhaps that look means ”here comes the weird guy who doesn’t want to engage with anybody”. Maybe I appear to be someone who doesn’t care. Or maybe I carry a vibe of disconnection so I always get the same reaction from people. I have no idea. I sat along with them. I could hear them talking about something but I couldn’t understand the words. I wanted to talk with them but couldn’t think of any sentence to say.

A minute after I sat down, they stopped talking and began to focus on their phones. And then the silence. That familiar awkwardness never fails to come up whenever I’m with people. Anxiety started to kick in and I couldn’t think straight. I looked at my teammate next to me. He’s hooked on his phone while I was thinking to myself ”If I could only tell you what I’m feeling right now”

I wanted to ask ”Can I be honest with you? Do we have a problem? Why does it seems like you guys don’t want to talk to me? I want to talk to you, to interact with you but I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to tell you. I want to be friends with you but I’m afraid I won’t always have something to say. That I won’t be able to keep up with the conversation because I’m not good at small talks. I rarely talk.” My thoughts were all over the place. 

Of course I didn’t say all that. Who does that? It’s not appropriate to unload your feelings to someone you just met for two days. It’s off-putting to even open up about your personal issues to someone you don’t have a relationship with. It would only reveal that you’re going around carrying an emotional baggage of some kind. That’s probably the reason why I couldn’t break out of my shell. 

A colleague from another team arrived. He could’ve sat next to me but he walked past me and sat on the other end. Then another one came and did the same. He also walked to the other end and sat there. I was annoyed. Maybe these people were doing it unconsciously but I knew it’s because of the repelling aura that sorrounds me. I felt so awful that even when the shuttle came, I didn’t feel like standing up and getting on it.

 

Awkward Introduction

I've been with my current company for over a year and I just got transferred to a different department. I was about to join my new team again so I figured I would try to connect with each member of the team. I thought I would engage with them. Stepping into the office production area, I saw unfamiliar faces that I assumed to be my new teammates. They were all looking at their computers setting up their tools and others looked busy doing other stuff or talking to other people. The plan that I made suddenly went out the window.

 I wasn't specific of the approach that I would be taking to connect with them. So I just found a station where I can set up my tools and that's it. There wasn't any introduction or interaction like what I thought would happen. I tried to talk to the person behind me and asked beforehand if he could help me with the process once I have a contact later on. He agreed but a few minutes later he found other available station and moved to be near his friends. 

 I didn't have access to all the tools on my first day so I spent the entire shift not doing much stuff and just tried to observe. I asked the two guys near me to let me know once they have contacts so I could watch and observe. Once they had contacts, I watched but didn’t really say much because I wasn't familiar with the process yet. In short, the entire shift went on with transactional interactions with few teammates and no connection really happened. 

 Before the shift ends, there was a virtual meeting where we got to introduce ourselves. Our manager asked for volunteer and nobody wanted to go first so I volunteered. In my head, I really just wanted to get it over with. Prior to that, I have also prepared an introduction a day earlier because I knew we would be given the opportunity to introduce ourselves. 

 I thought I would share three things about me that would give them hints of the real me - my dream, my struggle and the future that I want to have. I’ve had superficial relationships all my life and at that time I was determined to tell them who I really am. There was a format for the introduction. Out of the three things that I prepared, only one fit in the four parts of the introduction.

 I contemplated that if I squeezed all those three things into that one part, my teammates would think that I’m too full of myself. So I figured to just pitch my dream. I kind of downplayed it because that part was about "What are your interests". Instead of saying I want to be an author and speaker, I said I’m interested in writing and speaking. 

After I finish my introduction, my manager asked if I have other things to share. I wasn't sure why but my mouth was quick to take opportunity and said ”yes”. Though hesitant with what I was about to say, I shared my struggle in socializing with people. And continued that I would appreciate if they can help me socialize better. My manager acknowledged and advised the team to try to help me to interact. My teammates were silent and gave blank faces like they didn’t want to engage in such conversation. I could feel the awkwardness of trying to reach out and nobody is responding. 

Overall, I was pleased with how my day went. It was far from what I had envisioned of interacting with my teammates and getting to know them. But looking back, I like the fact that I volunteered to go first, I finally talked about my interest in writing and speaking and I opened up about my social struggle. It wasn’t a comfortable experience but I would say that trying to share real parts of me was worth the discomfort.

It's Okay To Be You

Welcome to my first blog! I created this blog for the people who feel alone in the world. To be honest, I feel like the king of the loners. I don’t have true friends at all. I have surface friends but I never have that kind of friend who I can always turn to whenever I wanted to have a serious talk or needed an honest conversation. 

Over the years, I realized that it’s not people’s fault that I don't have this kind of friendship. It's my own fault. I might have a true friend if I had only open up to people. But I have built walls around me that wouldn’t let people in my space. Perhaps one of my surface friends could be the true friend that I’m looking for but I never really gave them the chance to be that kind of friend to me. 

In short, I never have a true friend because I was never even true to the people around me. For some reason, I believe that the people around me are all the same. I’d watch them and thought to myself “I’m not like that”. They socialize like their familiar with other people while I’d stand in the corner wanting to join but wouldn’t know how to step in.

I feel different from other people. And this is the biggest struggle that I have about myself up to this day. I feel different about myself and I’m not exactly sure why. All I know is that there’s an unflinching voice inside me that tells me that I’m not supposed to be like the people around me. But deep inside, I wanted to be like them. I wanted to join them and have fun with them.

It scares me to think that if I reveal my true self to other people, they wouldn't like me because I’m like a citizen of another world. So from the start, I’ve been hiding the real me and never let anyone see through me. Not realizing that despite my best efforts to conceal my peculiarity, it still somehow showed because I was avoiding people like something is wrong. They were confused and I was confused. We're all confused.

I didn't see that level of strange coming. If you are someone who also feels like an outcast, you would know the emotional weight that forms within you which often feels unbearable. It’s feels like you’re drowning and wanted to shout for help but you couldn’t because nobody would get it. I, for so long, felt as if I always had to fight my way through everyday. Wherever I go, I felt like an alien. 

I couldn't really pinpoint where this being different stems from. For a long time, I’ve asked myself a thousand times ”why do I feel like this?”. I did not know, I just couldn't think of an answer. I’ve asked God a number of times. No response. While I was going crazy because I had no idea what to do, God was silent. Until recently. 

I didn't get an exact response but I felt an impression on the inside. Maybe I’m not suppose to stop being different. Maybe I’m supposed to stay different and be okay with it. Instead of questioning why I feel so different from the people around me, I thought why don't I just let go and let it be. Instead of feeling so wrong about me, why don't I try to take the pressure off myself and just let me be. Cause I can tell you right now that in the 30 years, all those questionings didn't even inched me forward.

I never get to share these thoughts with anybody because nobody really know me. My surface friends know a version of me that I’ve practiced all my life and it somehow become ingrained in my subconscious. So I know that it would be extremely difficult for me to drift from that version of me. Nonetheless, I have decided to begin learning how to be okay with being me and open up little by little so I started this blog. 

This is me trying to let my thoughts live on from my head into the world. Thoughts that the world doesn’t recognize because nobody wants to talk about being alone. I just want to have an outlet for my truth. The world refuses to engage in conversations about loneliness. Everybody just wants to be happy. I wish I can just say that I am happy then I will be happy. But the truth is I am not happy. I want relationships but people find it hard to relate to me because I’m uncommon.

If nobody around me resonates with me, I thought maybe in the online world two or more people would understand the sound of my voice. I have lived alone all my life and I’m tired of pretending that I’m okay. I’m not okay. I just want to know that I’m not alone in this. That there’s someone out there who also feels the same way. Together, we can make a change.

If this blog speaks to your heart, I would like to invite you to join me in my quest to letting the world know that people like us exist. That we also have a voice that deserves to be heard. That it’s okay to ask for help. It’s okay to not be normal. We don’t have to hide anymore. I have a dream. A dream to see a world where people are allowed to speak their truth and not be judged for telling it