The Face Of Disconnection

 It’s always a battle for me every time I go to work because I feel like I have to interact with other people. It’s not that I don’t want to engage with them, it’s just that I feel insecure around them because I don’t really know what they think of me. This led me to want to avoid people because I feel unsafe having them around. The problem is I could only avoid people for so long. 

I am a part of the world, citizen of a country and member of a society. Wherever I go, there will always be people around me. I can avoid being around people as long as I’m always at home. However, I need to feed myself so I need to make a living. I had to go to school and now I have to keep working. Going to work always feels heavy for me because I don’t really have a friend at work. Nobody really knows me.

Since I got transferred to a new team, I thought maybe it’s time to change how I deal with people. I could never go to work and not be around people anyway so why not try to interact with them instead of avoiding them. They haven’t really seen me before so I thought I could put up a different persona that would look cool and they would think that I engage well with people.

Our company has arranged shuttle services for us due to the pandemic, so we don’t have to commute to work. We just need to go to the nearest pick up location where we have to wait to be picked up by the shuttle.

I was walking to the waiting area one time, when I saw from a distance two of my new teammates talking to each other. Although I wanted to be friendly and engage with them like I thought I’d do, I wasn’t exactly sure of what to do or what to say to them. I saw one of them looking at me as I walked up to them. That look in his face. I always get that look. I don’t know what that look means but I could feel disconnection from that face. 

Perhaps that look means ”here comes the weird guy who doesn’t want to engage with anybody”. Maybe I appear to be someone who doesn’t care. Or maybe I carry a vibe of disconnection so I always get the same reaction from people. I have no idea. I sat along with them. I could hear them talking about something but I couldn’t understand the words. I wanted to talk with them but couldn’t think of any sentence to say.

A minute after I sat down, they stopped talking and began to focus on their phones. And then the silence. That familiar awkwardness never fails to come up whenever I’m with people. Anxiety started to kick in and I couldn’t think straight. I looked at my teammate next to me. He’s hooked on his phone while I was thinking to myself ”If I could only tell you what I’m feeling right now”

I wanted to ask ”Can I be honest with you? Do we have a problem? Why does it seems like you guys don’t want to talk to me? I want to talk to you, to interact with you but I don’t know what to say. I don’t know what to tell you. I want to be friends with you but I’m afraid I won’t always have something to say. That I won’t be able to keep up with the conversation because I’m not good at small talks. I rarely talk.” My thoughts were all over the place. 

Of course I didn’t say all that. Who does that? It’s not appropriate to unload your feelings to someone you just met for two days. It’s off-putting to even open up about your personal issues to someone you don’t have a relationship with. It would only reveal that you’re going around carrying an emotional baggage of some kind. That’s probably the reason why I couldn’t break out of my shell. 

A colleague from another team arrived. He could’ve sat next to me but he walked past me and sat on the other end. Then another one came and did the same. He also walked to the other end and sat there. I was annoyed. Maybe these people were doing it unconsciously but I knew it’s because of the repelling aura that sorrounds me. I felt so awful that even when the shuttle came, I didn’t feel like standing up and getting on it.

 

Awkward Introduction

I've been with my current company for over a year and I just got transferred to a different department. I was about to join my new team again so I figured I would try to connect with each member of the team. I thought I would engage with them. Stepping into the office production area, I saw unfamiliar faces that I assumed to be my new teammates. They were all looking at their computers setting up their tools and others looked busy doing other stuff or talking to other people. The plan that I made suddenly went out the window.

 I wasn't specific of the approach that I would be taking to connect with them. So I just found a station where I can set up my tools and that's it. There wasn't any introduction or interaction like what I thought would happen. I tried to talk to the person behind me and asked beforehand if he could help me with the process once I have a contact later on. He agreed but a few minutes later he found other available station and moved to be near his friends. 

 I didn't have access to all the tools on my first day so I spent the entire shift not doing much stuff and just tried to observe. I asked the two guys near me to let me know once they have contacts so I could watch and observe. Once they had contacts, I watched but didn’t really say much because I wasn't familiar with the process yet. In short, the entire shift went on with transactional interactions with few teammates and no connection really happened. 

 Before the shift ends, there was a virtual meeting where we got to introduce ourselves. Our manager asked for volunteer and nobody wanted to go first so I volunteered. In my head, I really just wanted to get it over with. Prior to that, I have also prepared an introduction a day earlier because I knew we would be given the opportunity to introduce ourselves. 

 I thought I would share three things about me that would give them hints of the real me - my dream, my struggle and the future that I want to have. I’ve had superficial relationships all my life and at that time I was determined to tell them who I really am. There was a format for the introduction. Out of the three things that I prepared, only one fit in the four parts of the introduction.

 I contemplated that if I squeezed all those three things into that one part, my teammates would think that I’m too full of myself. So I figured to just pitch my dream. I kind of downplayed it because that part was about "What are your interests". Instead of saying I want to be an author and speaker, I said I’m interested in writing and speaking. 

After I finish my introduction, my manager asked if I have other things to share. I wasn't sure why but my mouth was quick to take opportunity and said ”yes”. Though hesitant with what I was about to say, I shared my struggle in socializing with people. And continued that I would appreciate if they can help me socialize better. My manager acknowledged and advised the team to try to help me to interact. My teammates were silent and gave blank faces like they didn’t want to engage in such conversation. I could feel the awkwardness of trying to reach out and nobody is responding. 

Overall, I was pleased with how my day went. It was far from what I had envisioned of interacting with my teammates and getting to know them. But looking back, I like the fact that I volunteered to go first, I finally talked about my interest in writing and speaking and I opened up about my social struggle. It wasn’t a comfortable experience but I would say that trying to share real parts of me was worth the discomfort.